Don’t Penalize Yourself After The Super Bowl

Have you ever watched people eat?  Some are dainty with their food, being careful not spill anything.  These people use napkins and throw their trash away all by themselves.  They are conscientious of your furniture and appreciative that you have opened your home to them so that you can both enjoy each others’ company.  Usually this person is Type A and very clean, neat and organized.  Maybe you call this person your mother, your best friend or your favorite party blogger.

Then there’s the other 90% of the population who are just goddamn slobs.  You know who they are.  These people spill beer on your carpeting, knock the taco dip over sending all 7 layers spraying across your walls and are not cognizant enough to realize they have a gob of marinara sauce on the back of their hand as they smear it across your beige sofa.  They are also the best people to have at any party.  They are loud, obnoxious and funny as shit.  You should consider yourself lucky to have them as friends.  They may not be fastidious, but they sure know how to have a good time.  Thankfully, this is America and there are great cleaning products readily available at any Target or Wal-Mart to restore your home to its’ pristine, pre-party condition.

So how does this affect your Super Bowl party?  Well, since mishaps are inevitable there are some things you can do to prevent clean-up from being a nightmare.  I know, I know, you’re thinking, “WTF?!?  Why on earth is she writing about cleaning up BEFORE the party has even started?”.  Stay with me.  There’s a method to my madness.

Do you remember that scene from Sixteen Candles where Jake Ryan is surveying the damage that insensitive bitch, Carolyn, unleashed on his parent’s house by inviting the entire high school to a party?  This one (thanks AnyClip!)…

http://www.anyclip.com/movies/sixteen-candles/J8tF2b7mmhtmb/

Did you see all the pretzels and cans covering the glass coffee table??  Ugghh.  You do not want to have to clean this shit up.

Planning a party is fun.  The anticipation of entertaining gives you something to focus on, especially during the winter when there isn’t a whole lot to do otherwise.  Having a party and spending time with your friends while watching the Super Bowl is a blast!  People are laughing and having a great time and building memories for lasting friendships.  Cleaning up after a party fucking blows.  You’re tired and grumbling and your buzz has worn off.  You just want to go to bed, but you have to get the trash out.  So if you’re not 17 and actually care about the belongings you’ve worked so hard to acquire, here’s a few pre-party pointers to keep you sane when cleaning up after your guests have left:

  • Be organized.  Have a few appetizers or chips and dip in the room where you will be watching the game.  The rest of the food can be set up in the dining room or kitchen or some other central location.  That way when you finally clean everything up at 1 a.m. it will all be in one place and you won’t be running breathlessly from room to room gathering dishes.
  • Use bowls.  Don’t just throw a bag of chips on the coffee table.  Not only is it gauche it is also a breeding ground for crumbs.  Crumbs mean bugs.  Bugs mean getting the heebie-jeebies which leads to A LOT of extra cleaning on your part.  Or even worse, exterminator fees.  Your life will be so much easier if you just put the food in a damn container.  HomeGoods always has cute stuff for cheap.  It’s actually where I’ve gotten most of my dishes for entertaining.  Like these:

My bomb ass serving dishes
  • Trash cans are your friends.  Find every trash receptacle in your house and put a big black trash bag in it.  Then place them in highly visible areas near the food – in the room with the TV, in the dining room and kitchen and near the keg on the deck too. Here’s why – Disneyland.  When Walt Disney opened Disneyland people trashed the place on the first day.  Why?  Because people are pigs.  They wouldn’t walk to find a trashcan to throw their garbage away and just ended up pitching it on the ground.  So what did Uncle Walt do?  He had park employees hand out candy at the entrance and then watched the patrons for patterns.  He found that people would throw the candy wrappers on the ground after about 15 or 20 feet.  This is why there are trash cans every 20 feet in Disney World.  Implementing this strategy at your party will help you avoid cleaning up 50,000 of those red solo cups after the Lombardi trophy has been handed out.

 

So if you don’t want to look like this once your guests have left

organize yourself and your house a little before your guests arrive.

Wasn’t Jake Ryan just the dreamiest?

RIP John Hughes.

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Know Your Audience

While doing some Super Bowl blog research yesterday I started poking around on Pinterest.  Here’s what I came across:

Yum for tailgating/super bowl parties         

I was appalled!  Chocolate covered strawberries and centerpieces?? For a Super Bowl party?  I shit you not, 1800Flowers is advertising the ‘Beer Mug of Flowers’.  (Shhh, if you listen very carefully you can hear the sound of testicles shriveling across the 50 states.)  Even Martha Stewart would bitch slap you if she showed up at your Super Bowl party and saw this in your house.

One important rule for throwing any party is to know your audience.  This can’t ring more true than with a Super Bowl party.  The best part of having a Super Bowl party is that it is centered around men.  Men who only care about watching the game, drinking beer and, if they’re lucky, seeing boobs.  You don’t need to knock yourself senseless prepping for it.  Don’t get me wrong, I am not one of those girls who only ‘tolerates’ men.  I love men!  They are silly and funny and easy to be around.  So why not cater to their innermost sensibilities?  What is that, you ask?  Well, it’s the 4 food groups of a Super Bowl party: Meat, cheese, chips and beer.

Yes, every party should have chocolate.  Hell, every DAY involves chocolate for me.  But for the love of God, bake some chocolate chip cookies or brownies and have it over & done with.  That way you can enjoy sitting with the guys while they tell dick & fart jokes between downs.

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Heads or Tails?

What would Super Bowl Sunday be without a friendly wager between friends?  According to Vegas.com the Patriots are favored to win the game by 3.  What a surprise.

But it doesn’t have to end there.  You can bet on ANYTHING that has to do with the game.  I think I read that there are over 700 Super Bowl bets you can place with Vegas.  So why not make the game at your party a little more interesting?  Invite your guests to arrive an hour or so before the game.  If they are willing, start ironing out the terms and conditions of the games.  Of course, the payoff should match the degree of difficulty of the bet.  Here are some ideas:

  • Who will win the coin toss
  • What will the first offensive play of the game be – run, pass, touchdown
  • How many times will Osi Umenyiora put Brady on his back
  • What will the score be at the end of the first quarter, half, etc.
  • If Madonna speaks during her half-time performance will she do it with a British accent

The list is endless.  The best part is, you don’t have to bet money either.  If you are betting with your spouse, why not wager who will make dinner for the week, massage or sexual favors?  If you are betting with your friends you may want to omit the massage and sexual favors and replace it with a case of beer or lawn mowing for a week.  But hey, no judgement here.

Whatever your bets are, make them fun.  Let’s face it, the commercials can be hit or miss and the actual game tends to be rather boring.  True, this Super Bowl is a little more interesting because it is a rematch of Super Bowl 42.  And who doesn’t want to look at Tom Brady and his butt chin for hours on end?  But since the Eagles aren’t in it I, for one, am going to need something to keep my attention.

Disclaimer:  If you or someone you know has a gambling problem, help is available.  Call 1-800-GETYOURHEADOUTOFYOURASS and be responsible.  Save your money for the future.  You’re gonna need it because Social Security is expected to be exhaused by 2036.

Get In My Belly!

I know it is going to be hard for you to separate yourself from the riveting banter that will be all over the TV on Super Bowl Sunday.  But if you are going to have a party you need to prepare food for it.  Greasy, salty, highly caloric, oh-so-delicious Super Bowl food.  Actually most of it probably doesn’t even qualify as food.  That’s what makes it fun.  You know, the kind that leaves you feel as bloated as Fat Bastard.  The kind that sends wives everywhere running from the bedroom at 1 in the morning.  It’s an American tradition, after all.

So while every player for the Patriots and Giants are being stroked in yet another interview, here are a couple of easy recipes for your party.  The best part is you can prepare most of these recipes a day ahead of time.

 

Pepperoni Bites:

1 cup shredded mozzarella

1/2 cup chopped pepperoni

1/2 cup pizza sauce

2 packages refrigerated biscuits (Grands)

Preheat oven to 350 degrees.  For the filling, combine the cheese, pepperoni and sauce in a bowl.

On a cookie sheet separate the biscuits.  Use the heel of your hand to flatten each biscuit into 3″ circles.

Place 1 tablespoon of filling in the center of each dough circle.  Bring the long edges of the dough together and pinch to seal.  Repeat with the short edges.  Place the seam side down on a greased cookie sheet.

                           

Bake for 12-15 minutes or until golden.   *Tip – Using parchment paper instead of greasing the cookie sheet works wonders.  Not only does it cook beautifully, but it also makes clean up a breeze.

                

 

 Hoagie Dip: 

1/2 lb. cooked ham,sliced thin

1/2 lb. Genoa salami, sliced thin

1 lb. American cheese, sliced

2 cups mayonnaise

2 teaspoons dried oregano

1/2 head iceberg lettuce, shredded

2 tomatoes, diced

12 hoagie rolls, torn in pieces

Cut ham, salami and cheese into smallish pieces.  Pleace in a large bowl.

In a separate medium bowl, blend mayo and oregano.  Stir the mayo mixture into the meat and cheese 1/2 cup at a time until well coated.  Just before serving add the lettuce and tomato.  Serve with the hoagie roll pieces.  *You can add onion to this recipe if you choose to.  I don’t like onion so I never use it.  Stinky breath is not hot.

Fruit Salsa:

1 lb. Strawberries, cleaned and hulled

2 Granny Smith apples, peeled, cored, sliced and cut slices in half

4 Kiwi, peeled and sliced

1 Orange

1/2 cup Light Brown Sugar

3 Tablespoons Apple Jelly

Using a food chopper, chop all fruit into small pieces.  Put all chopped fruit into a large bowl.

         

Add light brown sugar and apple jelly.  Cover and put in the refrigerator for several hours.  Serve with graham crackers.

Are You Ready For Some Football?

It’s a week and a half until the “big day” – Super Bowl XLVI (that’s 46 for those of you, like myself, who are Roman numeral challenged).   A day engulfed with ex-player/coach blowhards pontificating for 6 hours ahead of kick-off about who is going to win and why.  I secretly wish I had this job.  They are paid a decent chunk of change to spew all kinds of garbage about player statistics.  Not just this year’s statistics either.  If a player has been in the league for a while (i.e., Tom Brady) prepare yourself to hear the most inane minutia surrounding each team’s quarterback, receivers and running backs.  Even linemen get a mention on Super Bowl Sunday.  Hell, those blowhards have to have something to fill up that much time, right?

Here’s the best part: After all the predictions are made and the last bit of confetti has hit the ground those announcers won’t be held accountable for one word they say.  Joe Buck could “predict” that monkeys will fly out of Tom Coughlin’s browneye and not one person will call bullshit on him when it doesn’t happen.  What they don’t tell you is that the refs have been paid off long in advance to determine who will go home with the coveted Lombardi trophy.

Oh, I seem so jaded!  Truth is I love football and have since I was 7-years-old.  That year I went out for the midget league team, but didn’t make it because they were afraid the boys would crush me, so I was delegated to being a cheerleader.  Oh the horror!  I gave it my all though, screaming and jumping up & down on the sideline.  But all I really wanted was to be in a helmet and pads.  To my chagrin I had to settle for dressing like a player for Halloween.  For 3 Halloweens to be exact.  And since that time I have either been a glutton for punishment or cursed by geography because my team is the Philadelphia Eagles.  One year the powers that be at the midget football league tried to mess with me by put me on another team.  I think it was the Colts, the Baltimore Colts at that time.  I freaked!  If I had to be a cheerleader and anything but an Eagle someone was gonna get cut.  Those fuckers backed off real quick.

Regardless of the the fact that my team can’t seem to “get it in” or the lack of authenticity associated with the game – it’s a great reason to have a party.  So, until February 5th I will be devoting my posts to Super Bowl 46.  This one is easy.  No real decorations or research needs to go into having a Super Bowl party.  A decent TV would be nice to have.  You don’t have to have the space shuttle of TVs and you certainly should NEVER buy something as expensive as a TV for a party.  But if you have some 13″ black and white pussy TV you may want to consider going to the nearest bar instead of hosting.  Just sayin’.

Appetizers, beer and all your rowdy friends are all you really need for a Super Bowl party.  Stay tuned for recipies and gambling/drinking games in the next few days.

Go Eagles.