50 Shades Of A Party

I think I’m the only one.

The only woman on Earth who HATED 50 Shades of Grey.

I found it poorly written and unimaginative.  Found it torturous (pun intended) to sit down and plod through page after vapid page.  I only read the whole first book because I paid for it and it really chaps my ass to pay for something and never use it.  And for a book promoted as being about S & M I found it mundane, if not downright boring.    For I was expecting:

Vibrators 

Cockrings 

Hair pulling 

Mutual masturbation

Lap dances 

Nipple clamps 

Inverted Ys 

Rim jobs 

Bondage tape

Cat o’ nine tails 

Hog ties 

Strap-ons

and

Fetish boots.

Not that I know anything about this stuff.  I’m a nice girl.  That’s why I was reading the damn book in the first place. 

Because I’m a life-long learner.

What I got instead was semi-developed characters who had a lot of missionary sex with a few errant blow jobs, some ill-described munching, a blindfold once or twice, some Ben Wa Beads and a couple of spankings thrown in for good measure.  That isn’t “spicy” – that’s marriage.  Oh and a 21-year-old wishy-washy protagonist who was somehow good-looking and a virgin who gave a perfect BJ the very first time she ever attempted it and who continually referred to her vagina as her “sex”.  Whoop-Dee-Doo.  (Feel free to join me in eye rolling and heavy sighing.)

Go fuck yourself E.L. James (that’s the author).  “Oh my.”

(For those who haven’t read it, the lead character kept saying “Oh my” throughout the book and I wanted to punch her right in the tits after about the 5 gazillionth time she said it.)

Maybe books 2 and 3 get to the “good stuff”.  I’ll never know.  Don’t tell me the series gets soooo much better.  I’ll never read them – won’t waste my time.  I’d rather condense it all into a half hour and watch Cat House on HBO.  Now that’s interesting. 

So imagine my agitation the other day while browsing the magazine racks in Barnes & Noble when I saw this:

 001

I can’t say I fumed internally.  It was more like stunned curiousity; I was truly perplexed.  How did a woman who used to write Twilight fan fiction (my skin is crawling and I’m making a really ugly, gagging face) turn this dribble into an empire where an entire periodical is devoted to the topic?  Usually I am all for people making as much money as they can – ‘Good For Them!’ I’ve been known to proclaim.  Not this time; this shit boggles my mind. 

But this isn’t a book review.  Rather when you write a blog about parties you are always looking for content ideas.  And while on a flight recently, seated next to someone reading one of the 3 books, I got one. 

You may not have picked up on this, but I like to be sarcastic and poke fun at things.  And since I liken the 50 Shades books to a joke, I thought it might be funny to describe what one of my parties would be like if Christian Grey and Anastasia Steele were in attendance.  Hmmm….

To be continued…
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2 responses

  1. oh my god!! lol! you had me laughing out loud this morning yet again, Jen. You are like my own personal Jenny Lawson, minus the big metal rooster, of course 🙂 Thanks for continuing to make me smile!

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