Know Your Audience

While doing some Super Bowl blog research yesterday I started poking around on Pinterest.  Here’s what I came across:

Yum for tailgating/super bowl parties         

I was appalled!  Chocolate covered strawberries and centerpieces?? For a Super Bowl party?  I shit you not, 1800Flowers is advertising the ‘Beer Mug of Flowers’.  (Shhh, if you listen very carefully you can hear the sound of testicles shriveling across the 50 states.)  Even Martha Stewart would bitch slap you if she showed up at your Super Bowl party and saw this in your house.

One important rule for throwing any party is to know your audience.  This can’t ring more true than with a Super Bowl party.  The best part of having a Super Bowl party is that it is centered around men.  Men who only care about watching the game, drinking beer and, if they’re lucky, seeing boobs.  You don’t need to knock yourself senseless prepping for it.  Don’t get me wrong, I am not one of those girls who only ‘tolerates’ men.  I love men!  They are silly and funny and easy to be around.  So why not cater to their innermost sensibilities?  What is that, you ask?  Well, it’s the 4 food groups of a Super Bowl party: Meat, cheese, chips and beer.

Yes, every party should have chocolate.  Hell, every DAY involves chocolate for me.  But for the love of God, bake some chocolate chip cookies or brownies and have it over & done with.  That way you can enjoy sitting with the guys while they tell dick & fart jokes between downs.

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Heads or Tails?

What would Super Bowl Sunday be without a friendly wager between friends?  According to Vegas.com the Patriots are favored to win the game by 3.  What a surprise.

But it doesn’t have to end there.  You can bet on ANYTHING that has to do with the game.  I think I read that there are over 700 Super Bowl bets you can place with Vegas.  So why not make the game at your party a little more interesting?  Invite your guests to arrive an hour or so before the game.  If they are willing, start ironing out the terms and conditions of the games.  Of course, the payoff should match the degree of difficulty of the bet.  Here are some ideas:

  • Who will win the coin toss
  • What will the first offensive play of the game be – run, pass, touchdown
  • How many times will Osi Umenyiora put Brady on his back
  • What will the score be at the end of the first quarter, half, etc.
  • If Madonna speaks during her half-time performance will she do it with a British accent

The list is endless.  The best part is, you don’t have to bet money either.  If you are betting with your spouse, why not wager who will make dinner for the week, massage or sexual favors?  If you are betting with your friends you may want to omit the massage and sexual favors and replace it with a case of beer or lawn mowing for a week.  But hey, no judgement here.

Whatever your bets are, make them fun.  Let’s face it, the commercials can be hit or miss and the actual game tends to be rather boring.  True, this Super Bowl is a little more interesting because it is a rematch of Super Bowl 42.  And who doesn’t want to look at Tom Brady and his butt chin for hours on end?  But since the Eagles aren’t in it I, for one, am going to need something to keep my attention.

Disclaimer:  If you or someone you know has a gambling problem, help is available.  Call 1-800-GETYOURHEADOUTOFYOURASS and be responsible.  Save your money for the future.  You’re gonna need it because Social Security is expected to be exhaused by 2036.

Get In My Belly!

I know it is going to be hard for you to separate yourself from the riveting banter that will be all over the TV on Super Bowl Sunday.  But if you are going to have a party you need to prepare food for it.  Greasy, salty, highly caloric, oh-so-delicious Super Bowl food.  Actually most of it probably doesn’t even qualify as food.  That’s what makes it fun.  You know, the kind that leaves you feel as bloated as Fat Bastard.  The kind that sends wives everywhere running from the bedroom at 1 in the morning.  It’s an American tradition, after all.

So while every player for the Patriots and Giants are being stroked in yet another interview, here are a couple of easy recipes for your party.  The best part is you can prepare most of these recipes a day ahead of time.

 

Pepperoni Bites:

1 cup shredded mozzarella

1/2 cup chopped pepperoni

1/2 cup pizza sauce

2 packages refrigerated biscuits (Grands)

Preheat oven to 350 degrees.  For the filling, combine the cheese, pepperoni and sauce in a bowl.

On a cookie sheet separate the biscuits.  Use the heel of your hand to flatten each biscuit into 3″ circles.

Place 1 tablespoon of filling in the center of each dough circle.  Bring the long edges of the dough together and pinch to seal.  Repeat with the short edges.  Place the seam side down on a greased cookie sheet.

                           

Bake for 12-15 minutes or until golden.   *Tip – Using parchment paper instead of greasing the cookie sheet works wonders.  Not only does it cook beautifully, but it also makes clean up a breeze.

                

 

 Hoagie Dip: 

1/2 lb. cooked ham,sliced thin

1/2 lb. Genoa salami, sliced thin

1 lb. American cheese, sliced

2 cups mayonnaise

2 teaspoons dried oregano

1/2 head iceberg lettuce, shredded

2 tomatoes, diced

12 hoagie rolls, torn in pieces

Cut ham, salami and cheese into smallish pieces.  Pleace in a large bowl.

In a separate medium bowl, blend mayo and oregano.  Stir the mayo mixture into the meat and cheese 1/2 cup at a time until well coated.  Just before serving add the lettuce and tomato.  Serve with the hoagie roll pieces.  *You can add onion to this recipe if you choose to.  I don’t like onion so I never use it.  Stinky breath is not hot.

Fruit Salsa:

1 lb. Strawberries, cleaned and hulled

2 Granny Smith apples, peeled, cored, sliced and cut slices in half

4 Kiwi, peeled and sliced

1 Orange

1/2 cup Light Brown Sugar

3 Tablespoons Apple Jelly

Using a food chopper, chop all fruit into small pieces.  Put all chopped fruit into a large bowl.

         

Add light brown sugar and apple jelly.  Cover and put in the refrigerator for several hours.  Serve with graham crackers.

Are You Ready For Some Football?

It’s a week and a half until the “big day” – Super Bowl XLVI (that’s 46 for those of you, like myself, who are Roman numeral challenged).   A day engulfed with ex-player/coach blowhards pontificating for 6 hours ahead of kick-off about who is going to win and why.  I secretly wish I had this job.  They are paid a decent chunk of change to spew all kinds of garbage about player statistics.  Not just this year’s statistics either.  If a player has been in the league for a while (i.e., Tom Brady) prepare yourself to hear the most inane minutia surrounding each team’s quarterback, receivers and running backs.  Even linemen get a mention on Super Bowl Sunday.  Hell, those blowhards have to have something to fill up that much time, right?

Here’s the best part: After all the predictions are made and the last bit of confetti has hit the ground those announcers won’t be held accountable for one word they say.  Joe Buck could “predict” that monkeys will fly out of Tom Coughlin’s browneye and not one person will call bullshit on him when it doesn’t happen.  What they don’t tell you is that the refs have been paid off long in advance to determine who will go home with the coveted Lombardi trophy.

Oh, I seem so jaded!  Truth is I love football and have since I was 7-years-old.  That year I went out for the midget league team, but didn’t make it because they were afraid the boys would crush me, so I was delegated to being a cheerleader.  Oh the horror!  I gave it my all though, screaming and jumping up & down on the sideline.  But all I really wanted was to be in a helmet and pads.  To my chagrin I had to settle for dressing like a player for Halloween.  For 3 Halloweens to be exact.  And since that time I have either been a glutton for punishment or cursed by geography because my team is the Philadelphia Eagles.  One year the powers that be at the midget football league tried to mess with me by put me on another team.  I think it was the Colts, the Baltimore Colts at that time.  I freaked!  If I had to be a cheerleader and anything but an Eagle someone was gonna get cut.  Those fuckers backed off real quick.

Regardless of the the fact that my team can’t seem to “get it in” or the lack of authenticity associated with the game – it’s a great reason to have a party.  So, until February 5th I will be devoting my posts to Super Bowl 46.  This one is easy.  No real decorations or research needs to go into having a Super Bowl party.  A decent TV would be nice to have.  You don’t have to have the space shuttle of TVs and you certainly should NEVER buy something as expensive as a TV for a party.  But if you have some 13″ black and white pussy TV you may want to consider going to the nearest bar instead of hosting.  Just sayin’.

Appetizers, beer and all your rowdy friends are all you really need for a Super Bowl party.  Stay tuned for recipies and gambling/drinking games in the next few days.

Go Eagles.

Let’s start at the very beginning. It’s a very good place to start….

Before you 100% commit to having a party, make sure it is really something you want to do.  If you are having the party at your home know it is going to be a lot of work.  There’s planning and cleaning and shopping – OH MY!  Of course, some people are ok with not cleaning every crevice of their home before having a party.  That is completely ok.  I wish I was one of them.  Unfortunately, I have a Type A personality and  am compelled to perfection.  I know, I know, I probably need medication for that, but I do get a heck of a lot done in a day.  Especially when I am planning a party.

Of course, if you don’t care about cleaning your house before having a party, candles and dim lighting work wonders to hide the dirt!  Light a few Yankees and forget about it.

If you are going to clean your house before throwing a party, my best advice is to give yourself plenty of time to do it.  Doing it the day or night before the party works best for me.  That way you won’t be completely exhausted when your guests arrive.  You will also have time to focus on one very important thing: Showering.

In my youth I would run around the house like a lunatic cleaning and getting food and drinks ready all in the same day.  I would act like an idiot in front of my husband, barking orders and breaking into a sweat every time I looked at the clock.  We would always get into some kind of a fight before our guests showed up.  I have a vivid memory of one fight that resulted in the following meltdown… “REALLY?  WELL I KNOW YOU FARTED UNDER THE COVERS THE OTHER NIGHT AND TRIED TO HIDE IT FROM ME!!”.  Not cool.  Funny, but not cool.  After all, parties are suppose to be fun, right?  The worst part was that I had exactly 15 minutes remaining before guests were suppose to arrive and looked like Cinderella before the Fairy Godmother showed up.  UGGHH!!!

Thankfully with age comes wisdom and good time management skills.  Trust me, leave yourself plenty of time to get together and do it well before the time your guests are expected.  Like, 4 hours before guests are expected.  This way you won’t look like Tammy Faye Baker when you open the door.  If you plan accordingly and give yourself about 15 additional minutes to your regular routine you will be able to relax when drying your hair or applying make up.  You are going to be thankful you had a few extra minutes when someone rings your door bell 15 minutes early.

And yes, I was the gassy offender.

Like it’s 1999

Passion.  It’s what we all want in life, well, at least I do.  Passion for our job, significant other, life in general.  For so long I wondered to myself:  What am I passionate about?  What am I good at?   Then sitting at my desk one day recently it hit me like a ton of bricks.  Parties.  *Cue angels singing and harps playing softly.*

I am very good at throwing parties and I am passionate about it.  I love planning for a party, shopping for a party, decorating for a party, and being a charming hostess (or sometimes, sloppy drunk hostess) of a party.  I am also quite funny which should be a pre-requisite for throwing parties.  I mean, who the hell wants to go to a party that isn’t any fun?  That is called a funeral.

So voila – here is my attempt to blog about my passion.  I have not yet figured out this whole blog thing so it will probably be rough for a while, but at least I am doing it, right?  My hope is to have readers who find my party tips useful and share back party tips of their own.  The best reader/follower will be one who is funny as well!   So stay tuned for tips about place settings, jello-shots, music and anything else that makes a great party.  Whether it is a party for 200 (i.e., Wedding) or a party for 2 (i.e., Steak & BJ Day) I plan to cover it here.